And the doubts sink in…

San Diego has been my home for 23 years, going on 24 in July. I’ve lived in the same house for 18 of those years. My friends and family, for the most part, are in San Diego and most of them are planning to continue their lives here. I’ve had my sweet baby Dixon for almost four years and have lived with my roommate for a little bit over three. My life has remained pretty stagnant and simple with a few exceptions, but all in all, not much changes.

I am about to change all of that. When deciding to move to New York City, my initial reasoning was my hope to go to graduate school at NYU. I don’t know if my love for the school came from my love for the city or if I had school specific reasons for choosing that school, but NYU was the dream. Until it wasn’t. I was applying to social work programs in and out of New York City, dead set on picking up my things and pursuing the rest of my career until one day I decided that being a social worker sounded like the absolute worst decision I could ever make. Grad school was out, but New York was still in.

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I’ve been to New York City only twice. Once with my best friends and once on my own, but I have to say that those are two of the most memorable weeks of my life. I’ve romanticized the city of New York since I was a young girl attending a performing arts school and always dreamed of the bustling streets and bright lights of Broadway and Times Square. I was in love with the entire vibe and feel of NYC before I had even set foot on that side of the country, and the moment I finally did, I was done. New York stole my heart.

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When I made up my mind nine-ish months ago to empty and rent out my house, find a new home for my dog, leave all of my friends and family behind to move to a city where I know virtually nobody (except for one guy but thats a story for a different post) it all seemed like a far away dream. Now that its March I have two months before my month long trip to Europe where I will return to San Diego in June with nowhere to live and a few boxes of things. This will be the time that I buy a one way ticket to the other side of the country and never look back.

But HOLY SHIT. At this point I can’t help but sit back and wonder “what the hell am I doing?” The doubts start to creep in.

-Will I have enough money?

-Where am I going to live?

-Can I really deal with public transportation everyday?

-What if I don’t make friends?

-Aren’t there a lot of cockroaches and rats in New York?

-WHAT IF THIS IS THE WORST DECISION I EVER MAKE.

Okay, that last one was a little bit dramatic, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t think it every once in a while. I know that I’m going to make this move and I really hope that I’m making the right choice but I need to remember that doubts are a good thing. It gives you the perspective to expect the unexpected. Wearing rose colored glasses when making such a big decision does nothing but leave you disappointed and broke crying on the subway. (That will probably still happen at some point but at least I’ll be prepared)

A wise woman once told me “Make sure you aren’t running away from your life, because yourself will always be following you.” I can finally say that I’m not running away from anything; I’m just running towards something else.

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