im-sorryRecently, I’ve been very selfish. I’ve judged others while failing to look at my own flaws. I’ve hurt people that I love through both my actions and words. I placed myself on a high horse and then took a hard fall off of it.

In the past I’ve been good at admitting when I’m wrong and haven’t had any issues apologizing to those that I’ve harmed. I’ve always prided myself on this strength and wished that others could do the same. Through recents events I’m realizing that this isn’t enough. Just because you can sit back and say you’re sorry, it doesn’t make you a good person. What makes you a good person is not having a reason to say you’re sorry in the first place. Of course people make mistakes, but theres mistakes and then theres MISTAKES.

This weekend I hurt somebody that I love and who has been in my life for many many years. I did a selfish thing that had the potential to ruin a lot of friendships. The worst part is that I feel as if my actions recently have been attributed to my fear and anxiety over moving. Its as if I’m pushing away the people I care about most so that it will be easier for me leave. I’ve never been this person before and its scaring me. I don’t hurt the people that I love. I don’t make these kinds of MISTAKES.

The only thing that I can do now is use the next 42 days to show those that I love how much I appreciate and care about them. I want them to realize that even though I’m moving across the country they will always be in my heart, because without them I would be nothing. Living in New York City I am going to be surrounded by strangers but I know that I will still feel alone. Being able to think about all of the people at home that I love and care about will be the best thing to keep me going. Knowing that I can call, text, Skype, these people at the end of day with all of the exciting and scary things that I am bound to experience will make everything feel worth it.

I can’t go back and change the past, but I can control my future. Or at least try.